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Sunday, May 15th, 2005
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9:59 pm
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I WISH YOU WOULD TAKE ME SERIOUSLY FOR JUST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. WHY IS IT THAT THE THINGS I DO AND THE THINGS I FEEL ARE ALWAYS FUNNY TO YOU?
current mood:  enraged
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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11:34 pm - In which I am a failure.
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I am beginning to see that my entire life has been a pathetic attempt to make those I hold in high regard take me seriously. And I am beginning to see that that pathetic attempt has been a dismal failure.
I keep writing things, and deleting them again. All of my thoughts are rattling around in my head and as soon as I type them out, they look utterly ridiculous. I keep telling myself that I will feel better in the morning.
current mood:  drunk
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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11:37 pm
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I don't even know what to say. I leave this thing for months, and now that I've come back I don't know if I can even bear to write down all that's happened. Isn't the point of keeping a journal to have some kind of catharsis? It's supposed to help one, isn't it, to write down what one is feeling? But I don't know. Every time I try to write this out it just feels as bad as it did when it happened.
I suppose I am writing this for posterity. When I am gone, someone may find it. And then what? I don't know. At least there will be a record, make of it what you may. At least somewhere this will be written.
If I am going to write this, I should just say it. Things with Adrian didn't work out, because of me. It's like something out of a terrible bodice-ripper, it truly is, but I suppose that those authors really did have to have something to work with. They wouldn't just make it up. It seems I know now that the sudden epiphany that you are in love with your best friend really does happen. I wish I could have changed it, I wish I could have somehow not hurt him. I wish I wasn't so selfish, but one rarely gets what one wants.
Excuse me, Sam is here.
current mood:  dirty
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| Sunday, December 5th, 2004
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11:40 pm - It's a big enough umbrella, but it's always me who ends up getting wet.
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The uniting theme in my classes this semester seems to have been defining the line between pornography and art. This has inspired great woe in me at times, and at times has caused me to think to myself, "my god, what happened to art?!"
But then, some might say I am an elitist bastard. My cousin is engaged, and I am going to Paris again for Christmas. This time, hopefully, I won't have to spend as much time with my obnoxious older female relations. That in itself would help to make this be the most successful trip to Paris I've had in a while, were it not for other factors that I am too tired and too lazy to name.
I haven't updated the masses on the condition of my snake lately. She is very large now, both in girth and length. I've had to get another, bigger terrarium for her, which I put underneath the largest window in the apartment. I am considering painting my kitchen green. I really want to get the tiling re-done as it's rather plain and white right now.
current mood:  calm
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| Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
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10:07 pm - Rage against...something.
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Things are going on much as they have. To tell the truth, oftentimes when I do not update for a long while, it's simply because there is virtually nothing to report: I continue to exist in much the same state as I have done. I update only out of some odd obligation that I seem to have developed.
I always considered that one of my stronger points, that I have always had the conviction to finish what I started. Not, mind you, always for the best, but it is an urge that seems to drive me, and, well, it is at least something to drive me. As I said, it has not always been a positive experience and indeed my own desire to finish what I started has left me in some pretty sticky situations, but at least conviction is something I have in spades.
Well...perhaps not always. But I am not going to psychoanalyze myself on my own journal. At least, not at the moment, and not any more than I already have.
After my opening a bit ago, I seem to be invited to a lot of fancy parties. One would think that a snob like myself would enjoy such social reknown, but I just find it even more of a nuisance. Pardon the cliche, but I fear it's the old truth that now that what I want is here, I don't want it anymore. But I do, just not the social fripperies that go along with it.
Adrian makes a face at me every time I drink wine. It is not a nice face, or even a neutral one. Rather, it is a disgusted face trying to disguise itself as a not-disgusted face. Or, well, not even that. Trying badly to disguise itself as a not-disgusted face, maybe. Yet I continue to drink wine, and doubtless will for the rest of my sad, talentless alcoholic life.
(No, I am not really an alcoholic.)
current mood:  indifferent
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| Monday, October 18th, 2004
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10:00 pm - The dual life.
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I really would like to stop teaching. Yet at the same time, I feel a curious responsibility to keep doing it. Most of me wants quite desperately to cease with the charade and just devote myself to what I have always wanted to do--specifically, paint. Part of me still seems to worry, however, that if I do so, I will 1) not have enough money (probable) and 2) that without a decent artist to teach them, my students will go out into the world as terrible hacks and starve.
Not that it would hurt some of them, to be honest. I note the disturbing trend, however, that art educators are beginning to become more educator and less artist. Not necessarily my highly esteemed colleagues, but among other art teachers' work, I am beginning to see a ... downgrade in quality. As a person who thinks it is rather essential that an art teacher also be a good artist, this is disturbing. And as such, I am tethered miserably to my crap job.
I have an opening coming up. Apparently it is being quite well publicized and the idea quite well received, so. Of course in the end this is all about recognition and money, as I am sure you have guessed. After all, why does one do art? For money. Ha ha ha. I amuse myself. Or, at least, it would be amusing if it were not so true. Though I must confess, I am not showing any of my commissioned pieces; these are all paintings and drawings I did purely for my own enjoyment. A dying breed, near extinction!
I hope you all know my life would be drastically less trying if it were not for money. Which I am sure is true for most of the world.
There is not much to say about my students. They are the same as last year, but slightly less mature. This, too, is a trend which disturbs me. I fear for the children raised by my generation, because parenting skills seem to decrease with every generation. Soon we will all be living in caves, beating each other with sticks, and throwing shit everywhere.
current mood: pessimistic
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| Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
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10:45 pm - Argh, fuck it all.
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I need not say it, I think. You all know the reason for the season.
Last night, as a sort of last hurrah, we went out and bowled for quite a long time. I managed two perfect games in a row, which was cause for celebration. As if we weren't celebrating already. Well, Adrian wasn't; he was sort of pouting. I told him that when he has been bowling for twenty-five years, he will be as good as me too.
Anyway, I asked Adrian to move in with me again. This time it went over slightly better than before, and did not end in a fight. I think both of us are rather facing up to the fact that we have to tell his parents. I am fully prepared to be slapped in the face. Hopefully I will not be shot. The very short occasions I have had to meet his parents have not left me with the impression that they are the shotgun-wielding type, but one never knows.
So, anyhow. Hopefully sometime Adrian will be moving into my apartment. If he wants to. If he can put up with a cranky old man all the time. We shall see.
current mood:  tired
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| Monday, August 9th, 2004
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12:15 am - End of summer. Etc.
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So, soon I shall have to return to the accursed thing I call a job. Not that it hasn't taken up enough of my life, even during the summer, as it is. No, it must consume my every action completely. And totally. Et cetera, et cetera.
Barcelona, for the nonexistent person wondering out there, was lovely. (Of course). It was sunny and warm, and my stay there involved a lot of lying on the beach doing absolutely nothing. A welcome break from the routine, you know. I returned tanned and relaxed (as relaxed as I can be, that is), to the lovely 90-degree weather with 70-percent humidity that is Boston.
Adrian is headbutting me, which makes it considerably difficult to type. I take this as a signal which means he wants attention, but I am not going to give in to his wordless means of communication. No, I will ignore it, like the steely, cold man I am.
I need a new car. I should get one before the school year starts; otherwise I will be cancelling classes because this piece of crap I currently own refuses to drive more than 500 feet without stalling. I have been riding the bus and walking quite a lot lately. Given that I live fairly close to most of the places I'm going, it's not much of a problem so far. But during the school year, I am sure that exactly the opposite will be true.
Why does everything cost money?
current mood: complacent
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| Sunday, July 18th, 2004
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5:47 pm - Summer. Etc.
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It has been accursedly hot these past few days. Today, it is pleasant, but only because it is going to rain. I am hoping for a cold front to come through, but I seriously doubt such a boon will be granted.
I am leaving for Barcelona the 24th, and coming back the 2nd. Ahhh, Spain. This time, my destination has been self-decided, which is always nice, rather than influenced by my family. I expect to be staying in Madrid as well while I am there.
Tonight on the other hand, I am going to a Mustang show with Sam and Aline. And then probably out to have some Cantonese cuisine at this new little restaurant we discovered the other day. The only slight negative factor about the place is that the proprietors really are Cantonese and don't speak English all that well. But we shall manage.
And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to be late if I don't leave now. In fact, given the bloody traffic, I will probably be late anyway.
current mood: hungry
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| Friday, July 9th, 2004
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5:23 pm
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Hello. I am still alive. Despite my sad half-attempts to make otherwise. I suppose I should probably explain why I was unable to update for...I don't know how long. Approximately the past six months or so? But I really don't feel like it. I've already explained it to Adrian, and I think Sam knows, and aside from that, I don't know if I need to write the sad, sad tale all out here. The only comfort I have is knowing that the professsor who was working with me, Aline Solstrand, had it no better, and, in fact, since he has a 16-year-old son, probably worse. Although to be honest, that's not really a comfort at all.
I am sorry that it happened, but honestly, in retrospect I can see no way around it. Next year will be better, because I will not have the same responsibilities I had this past year--planning a curriculum, et cetera ad nauseum, for a joint photo-and-painting portraiture class. It seems that that, added to a workload of commissions I was behind on, classes, and various other contributing factors which I will not list lest you should claw your eyeballs out in boredom, was enough to create an atmosphere in which I regularly deprived myself of sleep, food, and/or human contact for days at a time. Oh, it was great fun, let me assure you.
I honestly wish that I could quit my job and still be able to support myself, but I cannot. Teaching is my main breadwinner, loathe as I am to admit it. Perhaps sometime in the future the balance will shift, but as of now I need to teach in order to pay my rent and keep myself clothed and fed. And as long as I teach, I will endeavor to do a good job. By that, I don't mean I'm going to be nauseatingly mild and kind, but that I mean to instill a proper amount of knowledge in each of my students' small, vapid brains. This year, apparently that task took more time than it has in the past.
Oh, for christ's sakes, now it is going to rain. Just what we need--more humidity! Excuse me while I go close the patio door.
current mood:  hot
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| Monday, June 14th, 2004
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7:58 pm - HELLO AGAIN@
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jkust for the record, angel food cake soaked in jack danile's is very good vbut also gets a man drunk very fast, and im mean falling down drunk this time owhoops
current mood: drunk
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3:09 pm
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Ahhh yes, it is me again. Don't worry, I'm not like this every day. Although it's actually good for you, because the only time it occurs to me to update my journal is when I am drunk. And I know how terribly starved you all are for reading material.
I think I am ready to begin applying the label "alcoholic" to myself. I have not yet reached the truly debilitating phase of alcoholism yet, wherein I crash cars and beat people, but since I am beginning to function now only when slightly buzzed, it will be setting in any time now. I used to know what the phase before alcoholism was called, but I have joyously forgotten it.
In any case, I am just warning you. When I begin crashing cars, then you will know I am well and truly alcoholic. So that when I finally die, one of you can come identify me at the morgue, and say, "oh yes, that was the alcoholic disgruntled professor on my friends list." Speaking of being a professor, I need to quit my job.
I know you are there! You're just hiding from me. Bon soir, anyway.
current mood:  cynical
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| Sunday, June 13th, 2004
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4:47 pm
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In the past several months, along with losing a good deal of weight, I have acquired the talent for typing without error while drunk. Necessity is, after all, the mother of invention. At long last, I have returned to my computer with some free time on my hands, only to find any reading material sorely lacking in wit. I suppose I shall have to provide the wit myself. Not right now, however. If you need me, I will be passed out on the couch.
current mood: drunk
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| Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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5:41 pm
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Or not. Why, I wonder, does whatever malevolent force controlling the weather feel the need to make it so fucking cold? Because there is no doubt that fucking cold is what it is and has been for quite a while now.
Apparently, there is a wave of bronchitis sweeping the faculty and I am fervently praying that I do not recieve this blessing upon my already-burdened life, as there would be possibly NOTHING that would make me more miserable. Aside from all of my students suddenly staging a revolt and locking me in a broom closet for several days, which would be one of the most miserable experiences a man could have.
God, yes, it is cold. My computer is, at the moment, situated directly in front of a window and while that is good and provides a nice view, it's also quite drafty and as a result, my fingers are freezing. This gives me something to complain about and hence something to update with, however. Although right now I haven't much else to update about. I have to call Adrian later tonight; the weather (and school, of course) have prevented us from seeing each other much in the past week or so. Nor have I been bowling in quite a while, a regrettable fact.
My snake is now far too long. I am going to have to invest quite soon in a much larger aquarium, because right now she is quite confined. Then I am going to have a nice long talk with my friends at the pet store. Mark my words.
Thank god tomorrow's Friday.
current mood: cold
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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7:59 pm - Long time.
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I realize I should probably be ashamed that I haven't updated in almost a month, but had you my life you would understand my reasoning. Within these few weeks I have slid out of my relaxed, calm state and returned to my usual homicidal urges. One would think that three weeks of vacation wouldn't be enough time to completely lose any memory of what one had been taught, but apparently memory retention is a thing of the past. Yes, I am sorry to report that the moron count is once again high.
I was also harangued at great length by a student who somehow had no idea she would be recieving a low grade in my class, despite the fact that she continually got low marks and failed to turn in at least three assignments. Because logic does not dictate that if you get low marks and don't turn assignments in, you will get a low mark. No, one can never depend on that sort of thinking. Nor could she ever have asked me what she would be recieving.
It is also morbidly cold outside. I think that is evident to anyone who lives in this miserable city, but it is so cold that it is worth mentioning. I swear next time I go out I may well keel over and collapse. Then when they find me turned completely blue, you will all know why. The distance simply walking from my car to my classroom would make the strongest man loathe to get out of bed in the morning. The heater in my car has also chosen this appropriate time to cease working at all, thus adding to my misery.
Ah well. January is almost over. With any luck it will be warmer fairly soon. With any luck.
current mood: apathetic
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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2:33 pm - New Year's Eve, the Eiffel Tower, etc.
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Just got back from taking Adrian to a cafe down the street for lunch and now have a few brief moments in which to update the (I am sure) clamoring public on our plans for tonight and what we've been doing. Adrian is changing clothes because he spilled coffee on himself (and I laughed, because I am a mean, nasty old wrinkly man) and then we are heading over to see Mother, and then off to tonight's main event.
On Christmas Eve, of course, we drove around the city looking at Christmas lights. And I can assure you, there were Christmas lights in excess. You would be amazed; one usually is on his or her first viewing. Adrian was. It was nice to watch him, to be reminded of how spectacular it is after having grown to take it for granted. I am realizing I probably should have written about this in my last post but I am apparently losing my memory as well as my sanity now.
Anyhow, I already said that Christmas consisted of a huge dinner party with what I think I can rightly say was too much food. Everyone ate a lot, I translated a lot of French for Adrian, my mother clung to Adrian a lot (which slightly disturbed me, I will admit). Adrian seemed to be feeling a little awkward around my family, but frankly, who can blame him? I end up feeling more than a little awkward a lot of the time, as generally they are frightening old harpies. Bernadette (another of the great-aunts) kept making disgusting comments in terrible taste which I did not translate. Dear god.
The past few days have been just sightseeing. We went to the Louvre, which was regrettably packed with morons. The best days to see the Louvre are the days when the weather is really horrible and hardly anyone is there. It becomes horrifically difficult to concentrate on the art with people jostling for a better view. Idiots. Ah, well.
Tonight we're off to a party at a restaurant owned by one of Eduard's friends. Thankfully, there will be no old women (at least none related to me) there. Ed said it should be mostly people in their 30's or younger, friends and acquaintances of his and probably to some degree of mine as well. I feel somewhat inconsiderate putting Adrian in another situation with a good number of people he doesn't know, but it's unavoidable and since they're not scary old women and it should be more of a party atmosphere (and more of them will probably speak some English) I am really hoping he has fun. It sounds like a good time to me.
A happy new year to everyone.
current mood:  happy
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| Saturday, December 27th, 2003
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11:11 pm
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In case everyone thought I was dead: I am not, just in Paris. And as I am sure I have stated before, my family keeps me quite occupied a great deal of the time. Perhaps more than would otherwise be preferable.
My mother and the rest of them took Adrian uncharacteristically well...they seem to have adopted him into the family nigh-unto-immediately, which caught me somewhat off-guard. We spent Christmas at the house with them, and there was a dinner that could only be described as gargantuan.
And, well, for the past two days we've been sightseeing. Doing, I suppose, what other couples do at Christmas in Paris. It's really beautiful, as always; there is snow on the ground and all over, and the Parisians are, as always, in general a bright people.
As enjoyable as it is, it doesn't leave me with a terrible lot to write about and not much time to write about what there is, so I wouldn't expect many updates if I were you. Bon soir!
current mood: content
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| Monday, December 15th, 2003
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6:15 pm - EXAMS
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Augh. I AM GOING TO CLAW MY EYES OUT. And then when I walk around with bloody, dripping sockets, everyone will say, "There goes the man who suffered from EXAMS."
current mood: aggravated
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2003
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12:22 am - Paris, Paris, Paris.
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I have had this open for ten minutes already and it has taken me that long to type the first sentence of my post. Part of this may be due to the fact that I am slightly drunk, but that's of no matter.
So. Adrian and I are all set to go to Paris...we'll be leaving the evening of Friday the... 19th, I believe? Yes, I think that's it. We're going to stay in a hotel rather than at the family house (I dare not even think of the stir we'd cause if we, er. Well. You know. Never mind it.) and rack up enormous bills from Room Service.
Of course, before this can be done we both have to get through finals week, which is no small task. I expect we shall come through relatively unharmed, however. As I've done it before. I shall do it again!
I had nearly an entire bottle of Wild Turkey tonight because when I emptied my glass I was too lazy to get up and get another kind of drink. Thus, I ended up drinking nearly an entire bottle of whiskey. Yes. Okay. I am really having a bit of trouble with the typing thing right now.
current mood: drunk
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| Saturday, December 6th, 2003
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4:49 pm - Ah, Christmastime.
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Pardon me, I suppose I should be politically correct and say "Winter Holiday Season." But come along now, this is America, the "Christian nation." Never mind that only 33% of America IS actually Christian.
And with the Winter Holiday Season comes the endless playing of Christmas carols. I mean, for god's sakes, it's only December 6th! There are still 20 days until Christmas, people! If I am accosted by one more person ringing a bell, dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, begging me for money (of which, being a professor at an art school, obviously I have excess of) I am going to snatch his/her/its hat and shove it in his/her/its mouth. I believe I am what could be called a "Scrooge."
Bah, humbug.
I am looking sadly at my nearly-empty wine rack right now and mourning its loss. I haven't seen Sam in a while (did I say that already?) which is perhaps for the best as it seems that every time I do see him he ends up making an ass of himself. Hah, see how I equate the subject of alcohol with Sam? Anyhow, my point is that I need to get some more wine. Perhaps a winter trip out to some one of the wineries is in order. So I can get drunk and make an ass of myself for once.
Whoops, just got a phone call. Excuse me.
current mood: cold
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